i hate u, 2012

Yup, you suck eggs, 2012.  You were horrible to me.  The year began with a car accident in which some guy rear-ended me at a light.  From that incident I struggled with neck and shoulder pains which thankfully, after over half a year, appear to have completely subsided.  And then it was the abdominal pain that won't leave me alone for the rest of the year.  I've been prodded and poked and pricked and still I am no better off.  You would think that one doctor out of all those I saw this year ought to be able to help me figure this out.  And then there is my job which continue to suck the life out of me - I honestly am not sure how to deal with the liars and egomaniacs in the office for another year.  Basically it's like climbing into Mount Doom daily.  I reckon even wizards and hobbits with the best intentions would get drained.

And that's just me personally.  I am not even going to start with how you and your cast of villains - Hurricane Sandy, Adam Lanza, William Spengler, and Matt Lauer - screwed with Ann Curry and the rest of the world.

So yeah 2012, I really hate you.

But that's alright.  I survived you (okay maybe one more day but I assume that's all you got for me).  And you are history.  Another tally in this good old life of mine.  And 2013 will be better.  In fact, it shall be epic.  Evil shall be desolated.  And we champions will fight on.

In 2013 - I will:
1.  Get over my pain and feel normal (well normal for me) again.
2.  Stop wasting money, which means less online shopping.
3.  Stay off the computer and the iPad as much as possible. I really think I am an addict.
4.  Be nicer to people, especially people I know and care about.  (Curiously it's easy for me to be nice to strangers, but less so to people who matter.)  And by nice, I don't just mean polite.
5.  Stop gossiping.
6.  Watch The Hobbit Desolation of Smaug, Star Trek Into Darkness, The Great Gatsby, Pacific Rim, and Man Of Steel.
7.  And BEFORE MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
8.  Live simply.  Purge.  I really shouldn't have as big of a footprint as I do.
9.  Go on a trip - not for work of course.
10.  Relax about work.  As somebody once said to me, what you do is not rocket science.  The guy was being an ass, but I agree, it's not rocket science.
11.  Engage more in creative endeavors.
12.  Get rid of midriff flab.  Ugh it's just digusting.
13.  Sleep more.  Try to get back to sleeping through the night.  I have never been much of a sleeper, but this year I keep waking up in the middle of the night.  It's an awful feeling to then lie there for a couple of hours trying to fall back asleep.

So there.  See ya, 2012.  Don't let the door hit you on your way out.  

i've been trying to do it right

My top 100 songs of 2012:

1		Ho Hey	The Lumineers
2		Home	Phillip Phillips
3		Amy	Green Day
4		Under the Westway	Blur
5		Love Spent	Madonna
6		The A Team	Ed Sheeran
7		I Won’t Give Up	Jason Mraz
8		Falling Free	Madonna
9		Song Of The Lonely Mountain	Neil Finn
10		Home Again	Michael Kiwanuka
11		Beautiful Killer	Madonna
12		The Age of Worry	John Mayer
13		Don't Deny Your Heart	Hot Chip
14		Masterpiece	Madonna
15		Oh Love	Green Day
16		Myth	Beach House
17		(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)	Coldplay
18		We Are Young (feat. Janelle Monáe)	fun.
19		Video Games	Lana Del Rey
20		All of Me	Tanlines
21		Small Bump	Ed Sheeran
22		Emmylou	First Aid Kit
23		From Here To The Moon And Back	Dolly Parton
24		Anything We Want	Fiona Apple
25		Bad Religion	Frank Ocean
26		It's Time	Imagine Dragons
27		Every Single Night	Fiona Apple
28		I Know What Love Isn't	Jens Lekman
29		Strawberry Swing	Frank Ocean
30		What If	Marit Larsen
31		Right By Your Side	James Morrison
32		What Makes You Beautiful	One Direction
33		Let Me Be Him	Hot Chip
34		Stay The Night [Explicit]	Green Day
35		Good Time (Feat. Carly Rae Jepsen)	Owl City
36		Call Me Maybe	Carly Rae Jepsen
37		Do My Thing (Feat. Janelle Monáe)	Estelle
38		Feel So Close	Calvin Harris
39		Safe & Sound (Feat. The Civil Wars)	Taylor Swift
40		Wish You Were Here	Ed Sheeran
41		Rest	Michael Kiwanuka
42		Anything Could Happen	Ellie Goulding
43		Born to Die	Lana Del Rey
44		Countdown	Sondre Lerche
45		Rise	Antony and the Johnsons
46		Now Is the Start	A Fine Frenzy
47		Somebody That I Used To Know	Gotye
48		Give Your Heart A Break	Demi Lovato
49		Want U Back	Cher Lloyd
50		Blue Ice	Shout Out Louds
51		Come Back Down (feat. Sara Bareilles)	Greg Laswell
52		Stay Gold	The Big Pink
53		I Will Wait	Mumford & Sons
54		Walk With Me	Memoryhouse
55		Lego House	Ed Sheeran
56		Love Is A Verb	John Mayer
57		Glad You Came	The Wanted
58		Anna Sun	Walk the Moon
59		Night and Day	Hot Chip
60		Pyramids	Frank Ocean
61		Lights	Ellie Goulding
62		Love Don't Leave Me Waiting	Glen Hansard
63		I Belong In Your Arms	Chairlift
64		Secret Fear	Daniel Bedingfield
65		Skyfall	Adele
66		International (Serious)	Estelle Feat. Chris Brown & Trey Songz
67		Brothers	Tanlines
68		Saint Nothing	Daniel Rossen
69		Beacon Hill (Damien Jurado)	Jon Russell (The Head and The Heart)
70		Off the Wall	Lee Ranaldo
71		Person I Should Have Been	James Morrison
72		Queen of California	John Mayer
73		Bad For Me	Brendan Benson
74		Free (Edit)	Graffiti6
75		Kill The DJ [Explicit]	Green Day
76		DoYaThing	Gorillaz feat. James Murphy and Andre 3000
77		So Long Marianne	Bill Callahan
78		I And Love And You	The Avett Brothers  with the Brooklyn Philharmonic
79		Ichiro's Theme	Ben Gibbard
80		Love The Way We Used To	Estelle
81		Sweet Life	Frank Ocean
82		Too Close	Alex Clare
83		Beta Love	Ra Ra Riot
84		Hollywood (feat. Penguin Prison)	RAC
85		Feel Again	OneRepublic
86		Let's Don't Call It a Night	Casey James
87		You Da One	Rihanna
88		Grade 8	Ed Sheeran
89		End Up Here	Cher Lloyd
90		When I Was Young	Nada Surf
91		The World As I See It	Jason Mraz
92		Somethin' 'bout A Truck	Kip Moore
93		Where I Sleep	Emeli Sandé
94		Paddling Out	Miike Snow
95		Little Talks	Of Monsters And Men
96		Watching You Watch Him	Eric Hutchinson
97		Constant Conversations	Passion Pit
98		Fade Into You (Nashville Cast Version)	Sam Palladio & Clare Bowen
99		Sometimes You Need	Rufus Wainwright
100		I Knew You Were Trouble.	Taylor Swift

an unexpected randomness

Happy Christmas.  Baby it's cold outside.  For reals.  And dreary and all around depressing.  But I guess that's old man winter for you.  It's been like this for about a week or so.  Yesterday was a nice break.  It felt good to have the sun and the blue sky.  You don't appreciate it during the summer months, but when you have nothing but overcast sky for days on end, you crave for the sunshine...I made my way down to Sony Metreon and saw The Hobbit on IMAX 3D with Chi Young last Saturday.  It felt so familiar to be back in Middle Earth, with hobbits, dwarves, wizards, elves and orcs.  And Gollum.  Man what a tragic character that Gollum is.  The Hobbit, at least the first half, is probably not as good as any of the LOTR trilogy movies, but the riddle scene with Gollum is just magic...Yesterday night I continued to watch Sherlock on Amazon.  The Irene Adler episode (season two, episode one) is so freaking brilliant.  It makes me appreciate dominatrices (is that the correct plural form?) even that much more.  And that twist of an ending is beyond satisfying.  Does British tv shows kick (or should I say spank?) American arse?  Bloody right it does!...And how about the Sherlock-Hobbit connection?  It's awesome that Dr. Watson is Bilbo and Sherlock is going to be Smaug.  Not to mention that Sherlock is also to be the villain in the next Star Trek movie (Into Darkness)...I am seriously loving my Uniqlo ultra light premium down jacket.  I got a small Navy and it fits me perfectly.  This thing is so soft that I think a girl should snuggle up to me just to feel how soft it is.  Seriously.  I think if a girl snuggled up to me wearing this jacket, she would like totally fall for me, cuz she would think I am all soft and cozy and uncomplicated. Of course I am anything but cozy and uncomplicated but my Uniqlo jacket lets me play pretend and lure in unsuspecting girls...I am still feeling the abdominal pain.  The scary part is that it's now spread to the lower right side.  I am not sure what to do.  The Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist hasn't helped.  I've been religiously drinking bitter tea for about two months now.  And there really hasn't been any effect as far as I can tell.  Then the GI guy thinks it might just be a muscle thing, which I totally am unconvinced of.  I thought I would give all this a rest and not think about this during my three week break from work and just relax, but that's not really working out cuz that's practically all I could think about.  Well that and the red spot on my face that might be skin cancer. It's been there for two months.  I don't know.  I am a freaking mess...Yesterday two firemen in Rochester, NY were gunned down and killed by some lowlife when they responded to a call to his house.  It was a set up.  He left a note to say he wants to do what he likes doing best, killing people.  One of the weapons he used is the same type of rifle used in the Sandy Hook massacre.  By the way the NRA's position on Sandy Hook is that we need armed guards at every school in America.  This shit is seriously messed up.  The world is seriously messed up.  Thank goodness for hobbits and dwarves and wizards.  They make the world better because otherwise all we have are the evening news telling us how messed up the world is....Oh speaking of which, N Korea supposedly now has a missile that can reach the US West Coast.  Oy-vey...I am off work for the next three weeks.  Hopefully aside from fretting over missiles and abdominal pains, I will be doing a lot of cleaning and reading (1Q84, here I come, again) and watching movies (The Impossible and Life of Pi are my musts).  Not so much eating and shopping, cuz I am giving my stomach and my wallet a break...I both love and hate the holidays.  I love the break from work and the lights and that people are festive and happy.  I hate it that I am not.  Like most people who hate the holidays, I don't think there is a worse time in the year to feel lonely.  But I am getting used to that feeling as I get older.  After a while, a numbness sets in.  Or acceptance.  Or maybe you just wise up to the fact that no calendar can tell you how you are supposed to feel.  Sucker, you are no less alone during December than you are for the rest of the year, I say to meself.  And that makes me feel better.  You know what else makes me feel better?  That life is unpredictable.  You might think your life is boring and meaningless right now, but you never know when some wizard will come to find you and sweep you off into an unexpected journey.  So just hold on, enjoy your tea and scone, and be prepared to say yes when opportunities or Gandalf and thirteen dwarves come knocking on your hobbit door.

post from the end of the world

So the world didn't end today.  Or maybe it ended one week earlier, in Sandy Hook, Connecticut.  On a day when someone went on a killing at an elementary school, ending the lives of twenty children and six adults, it would not be too much to say the world did end, apocalypse has arrived.  At least momentarily it did.

I know this stuff happens.  It happens all over the world, every day.  The lives of the white, well-off children of Sandy Hook are no more valuable or precious than the lives of the children who suffer everyday in the rest of the world.  But that doesn't make the losses last Friday any less significant either.  In fact, it only goes to remind us that we don't pay enough attention, we take too much for granted.  The suffering that goes on every second of every day should stir something in us.  Make us want to be better.  Better is where it's at.  Better is where it's got to go.  All the grieving, all the sorrow would be for naught if it doesn't make us better.  Champions they say.  Heroes.  Where there is an apocalypse, there's got to be champions and heroes.  That's what evil makes.

I think about this stuff a lot, about being a champion, first in your own live and then in the world at large.  I am the last person you may ever associate with any sort of heroism.  I don't do things.  But I really do think about this stuff a lot.  I think of the world as good vs. evil and then all the gooey center in between.  I know I am not evil - that much I know for certain.  But what I want to avoid is the gooey center too.  I want to stand firmly on this side of the line.

The children who died.  And the children who die everyday.  I think about people this way.  We are all just stars in this big boundless universe, tumbling through the vastness with a million other stars.  Sometimes people come into your lives and you stay on the same path for a while.  A few a lifetime.  And then sometimes people disappear as fast as they show up.  It doesn't make their impact any less.  These collisions, however short-lived, can change your course forever.  These children didn't stay forever, but whatever time it was, it meant something.

I don't know how people forget.  I don't forget feelings.  I may forget names and faces and what I had for lunch last week, but I cannot forget the feelings that are left by people with whom I've collided.  Sometimes I question how it is that people whom I only knew for a few years can change me so much, but then those stars were so bright in my eyes, their impact so hard, that there surely is no chance of recovery.  For better or worse they became part of my make-up.  They make me feel, they make me ache (too much for my liking), but if I do this right, they make me stronger.

That's what these children are.

Anyways, since the world didn't end and we are to continue doing this, then let's do this right.  This is another chance.

give me all your drawin'