the last goodbye

2014 was a year that I pretty much hated through and through.  I spent the better part of the year spending money on repairs to the house and then ended the year finding that all the repairs (every single one!!!) resulted in problems.  While the abdominal pain that plagued me for most of 2013 went away, I am now walking with an aching right hip and left knee.  And then in last couple of weeks, I started getting sharp pain in the lower back that was sometimes so excrutiating that I could barely walk, and then I added to my problems by crushing my right ribcage with my elbow while crawling under the lightwell stairs.  Basically I am ringing out 2014 as a complete cripple.  So yeah, 2014, you basically suck, so fuck off, you bugger.

But when I come out the other side, I can see great things in 2015:

-  New Madonna album Rebel Heart.
-  No more mortgage!  Ok, I might still end up with debt because I might need to take out a loan to do more repairs to the house, but still.
-   I think I might win the lottery next year.  The fact that a child molester can win a $3M lottery strangely gives me hope that I too can win.  I might not be as deserving as a new immigrant or a single working mother or even an elderly, but I surely am more deserving than a child molester.  See, secretly, in the back of my mind, I think oh, maybe the best things don't always happen to me because I am not really the best person.  Sometimes I am not nice to my mother, too impatient, too cheap with the tippings, too petty, too selfish, too scared of life.  But when a child molester wins the lottery, I think I can safely erase those self-doubting thoughts from my head.
-   Mad Max Fury Road.  Yeah screw Star Wars or the Avengers - the 2015 movie to wait for is Mad Max with Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron.
-   Rob Thomas' iZombie. Is this Veronica Mars as a zombie?
-  Jurassic World, with Star Lord!!!  
-  Crimson Peak - a gothic period haunted mansion movie starring Charlie Hunnam, Tom Hiddleston, and Jessica Chastain and directed by Guillermo del Toro.  I already have goosebumps.
-  Clean living - I am seriously going to make an effort to live with less clutter.  I am not going to buy things that take up a lot of space and will make 2015 the year in which I get rid of more stuff than I take in.  I am going to reverse that pattern.
-  I think I've learned that being a good person is not the same as being polite and nice.  I always want to be a better, more upstanding person, but I am tired of being just the polite and nice guy.  Sometimes I think I even come across as too meek.  Argh - I hate that word.  2015 will be the year that I become more of an asshole, with a good, kind heart of course.  I am going to practice being an ass.  I read somewhere that skill is just a product of repetition.  Basically I don't want people to like me but I want them to respect me.

2015 will be better than 2014.  That's all I want or demand - better.  Even just a little better is good enough. If that's all we ever want from life, not perfection but improvement over the day before or the year before, I think we should be able to go to bed with a clear mind and sleep peacefully.  For now, with hope in my pocket, I bid 2014 the last goodbye.

i did it all

My top ten songs of 2014:

 

1.  Take Me To Church - Hozier  (This is the 2014 version of Like A Prayer - is it about sex or about religion?  Well, it's obviously about both.)
2.  I Lived - One Republic (Every time I hear this song, it makes me want to live a better life.)
3.  Stay With Me - Sam Smith (The male Adele, until Adele comes back in 2015.)
4.  All Of Me - John Legend (The line "All of me loves all of you" gets me every time.)
5.  Monument - Royksopp with Robyn (This song's slow burn is epic.  In a perfect world, Madonna would be singing this.  But then Robyn is pretty perfect herself, so it's all good.)
6.  Devil Pray - Madonna (Ah, late breaking surprise from Madonna - another song about religious salvation.  I love the line about the ground getting warmer, and when the male Satan voice comes in.)
7.  Living For Love - Madonna (Best Madonna lead single since Hung Up from COADF.  It's classic Madonna about empowerment and survival through heartbreak.  She's gonna pick up that crown and put it back on her head alright.)
8.  Gold - James Vincent McMorrow (The 2nd Irish bloke in my top ten, in addition to Hozier.  Those guys know how to write dreamy, lush songs about love and longing.)
9.  Lost Star - Keira Knightley (I love Begin Again, and I love Keira Knightley.  That's all.)
10.  Wish I Were Here - Catpower with Coldplay (This is the Coldplay I love, but sung by Catpower.)

Notice that there are two songs - I Lived and Monument - in the top ten with the line "I did it all."  I spot a theme.

The whole top 100 of 2014 for me:

1		Take Me to Church	Hozier
2		I Lived	OneRepublic
3		Stay With Me	Sam Smith
4		All of Me	John Legend
5		Monument	Röyksopp & Robyn
6		Devil Pray	Madonna
7		Living For Love	Madonna
8		Gold	James Vincent McMorrow
9		Lost Stars	Keira Knightley
10		Wish I Was Here	Cat Power & Coldplay
11		Jackie and Wilson	Hozier
12		Every Age	José González
13		A Little Lost	Sufjan Stevens
14		Counting Stars	OneRepublic
15		Seasons (Waiting On You)	Future Islands
16		The Heart	NEEDTOBREATHE
17		Riptide	Vance Joy
18		Someone New	Hozier
19		Every Little Thing	Röyksopp & Robyn
20		Ghosttown	Madonna
21		Kiss And Not Tell	La Roux
22		Tell Me If You Wanna Go Home	Keira Knightley
23		Feels Like We Only Go Backwards	Arctic Monkeys
24		Do It Again	Röyksopp & Robyn
25		Magic	Coldplay
26		The Last Goodbye	Billy Boyd
27		Like Real People Do	Hozier
28		Love Runs Out	OneRepublic
29		Let Me Down Gently	La Roux
30		Not In That Way	Sam Smith
31		Leave Your Lover	Sam Smith
32		Work Song	Hozier
33		Love Me Like I'm Not Made of Stone	Lykke Li
34		A Step You Can’t Take Back	Keira Knightley
35		Ezra's Interlude (feat. Ezra Koenig)	Chromeo
36		All the Time	Bahamas
37		No Rest For the Wicked	Lykke Li
38		New York Morning	Elbow
39		Got Love	Tove Lo
40		Uptight Downtown	La Roux
41		Life In Color	OneRepublic
42		Mess Is Mine	Vance Joy
43		Burn	Ellie Goulding
44		Believer	American Authors
45		Shut Up and Dance	WALK THE MOON
46		Once Upon a Dream	Lana Del Rey
47		Latch	Disclosure Feat. Sam Smith
48		Good Kisser (Disclosure Remix)	Usher
49		Can't Be Broken	Twin Forks
50		Budapest	George Ezra
51		Sunshine (feat. Reggie Watts)	Flight Facilities
52		Sideways	Wrabel
53		Bitch I'm Madonna (feat. Nicki Minaj)	Madonna
54		Jealous	Nick Jonas
55		Jealous (I Ain't With It)	Chromeo
56		Let It Go	James Bay
57		Just Let Go	Sturgill Simpson
58		West Coast	Lana Del Rey
59		Stolen Dance	Milky Chance
60		New Dorp New York (Ft.  Ezra Koenig)	SBTRKT
61		It Will End in Tears	Philip Selway
62		Don't Wanna Dance	MØ
63		F For You	Disclosure
64		Best Day Of My Life	American Authors
65		Midnight	Coldplay
66		Wanderer Wandering	Slow Club
67		Busy Earnin'	Jungle
68		Slow Motion	PHOX
69		Love Someone	Jason Mraz
70		Bad Law	Sondre Lerche
71		Shadow's Song (featuring Owen Pallett)	Foxes in Fiction
72		Crystallized	Young the Giant
73		Down By the Riverside	Playing for Change
74		See You Fall	How To Dress Well
75		I'm Not the Only One	Sam Smith
76		Team	Lorde
77		Things We Lost In The Fire	Bastille
78		Sexy Socialite	Chromeo
79		Stay Awhile	She & Him
80		What's the News?	Basement Jaxx
81		Hero	Frank Ocean + Mick Jones + Paul Simonon + Diplo
82		Unapologetic Bitch	Madonna
83		I Don't Want To Change You	Damien Rice
84		Old 45's	Chromeo
85		Let It Go	Idina Menzel
86		Like a Fool	Keira Knightley
87		Coming Up Roses	Keira Knightley
88		what kind of love	Chidish Gambino
89		All About That Bass	Meghan Trainor
90		La La La (feat. Sam Smith)	Naughty Boy
91		Fooled Around and Fell In Love	Elvin Bishop
92		Turns Your Lights Down Low	Jim James
93		Empire	Shakira
94		Ordinary Human	OneRepublic
95		Everyday Robots	Damon Albarn
96		Blue Moon	Beck
97		A Sky Full of Stars	Coldplay
98		Just One of the Guys	Jenny Lewis
99		All Of The Stars	Ed Sheeran
100		Miracles	Coldplay

the year of the leaks

Oh leaks.

Sony Pictures hates them.  Madonna hates them.  I hate them.

My house is leaking all along the south wall and the rear.  Even after the paint job and the lightwell repair.  I am so lost as to what to do.  I am obsessing over it. 

Madonna's demos are leaking and leaking.  It forced her to change her album release plans.  I loved having the six Rebel Heart tracks to listen to during this Christmas season, but I hate it that it changes what she had planned.

Sony leak is allegedly linked to North Korea.  This ties back to the Seth Rogen/James Franco movie The Interview, a comedy the plot of which revolves around the assassination of Kim Jong Un.  The leak has wreaked major havoc in the Hollywood community, with embarrassing emails by top execs being made public.  (Horrors that Angelina is a brat!!!  What of the carefully crafted PR Mother Teresa-ly image???)  When the hackers called Guardians of Peace threatened a 9/11-ish attack, Sony pulled the release of The Interview.  Everyone now is crying foul and criticizing Sony for giving in to the terrorist threats.  That's not the American way, they say.  We don't cave in to terrorism.  Yeah but this is over a Seth Rogen/James Franco movie.  I wouldn't go to war with North Korea or anybody over that.  I mean, as I learned at work, you gotta pick your battles.  Principles are worth as much as my Dazzler comic books.  There are some things worth falling on your sword over, and then there is a half-baked Seth Rogen/James Franco vanity project.  Can you even imagine, one day in the history books, the kids learn about WWIII and our teachers have to tell the story about how it began with Seth Rogen and James Franco?  Talk about embarrassing.

Anyways, 2014 is the year of the leaks.  So troubling.  So hard to diagnose and find their source but so damaging.  I am hoping 2015 is the year of the seal, and not of the type that sharks hunt. 

 

black or white

About a week back, I heard something on the news from one of the protestors.  He said, "If we cannot get our justice in the legal system, we will get our justice on the streets."  I get it.  The killing of Eric Garner is non-sense and a tragedy, a tragedy for all Americans.  The guy was just trying to make a buck selling loose cigarettes on the streets, when he was put in a choke-hold by a NYC cop and died.  There was cell phone video evidence of the whole thing going down.  It was clear as day that Eric Garner never posed a threat to the cop.  Still, no indictment resulted.  Another black man's life is wasted and rendered meaningless by the courts and the law enforcement which are meant to protect all and preserve peace and justice and treat every man as equal.  That's the system we live in.  So no wonder people are mad.

Then two days ago two NYC cops were executed in their police cruiser, by a crazed gunman seeking revenge for Michael Brown and Eric Garner.  The officers never had a chance.  They were just sitting in their car when the gunman walked up and shot them in the head in cold blood.   
 
So what now?  Does the public go to war with the police and the government?  Do we have a revolution?  Is that the answer?

I know young black men are targeted by police officers.  I have no doubt this happens, and I also know for a fact people, including cops, are racist.  And people in power often abuse their power and authority.  But then I hate that we paint this black and white picture and incite these easy reactions. 

The thing is, I feel very differently between what happened with Eric Garner and Michael Brown.  Those incite different reactions with me,  Michael Brown was shown to have just robbed a convenience store earlier.  We have no idea what really happened which led to the shooting.  Michael Brown is not a martyr.  He should not be held up and celebrated, even as a symbol.  How can 5,000 people mourn at Michael Brown's funeral?  He was a street thug.  Eric Garner on the other hand was just trying to sell cigarettes to make some cash for his family.  There is no doubt that excessive force was used on Eric Garner, and someone should be held accountable.  We cannot have a system that would let an abusive cop who kills an innocent man walk away without consequence.  And by letting him off and having no accountability, two other cops' lives were lost, two cops who have nothing to do with what happened.  By the way, these two slain cops were of minority races - one was Asian and the other Latino.

My point is, Eric Garner is not Michael Brown.  The cop who killed Eric Garner is not the same as the cop who killed Michael Brown, and they are certainly not the same as the two cops who were sitting in their police cruiser when they were executed.  My feeling about what has occurred over the last few months  - the whole cop vs. black men and all the protests, looting, vandalism - is so mixed and convoluted.  I cannot distill my true feeling and what I believe is right or wrong.  That's the thing about growing older - I find myself constantly standing in this gray area, where I can see both sides of a story.  Is that due to lack of conviction, or is that maturity to be able to walk the line?  What if you find yourself not able to commit to a stance?   What if the good guys can be bad guys too?  What if right is not white, and black is not wrong?

living for xmas lights

Haha - that's brilliant.

living for madonna

Yesterday was a rough day for me.  My house troubles continue.  With the rain this past week, I've discovered that I have leaks all over the house into the garage.  This is in spite of the fresh paint job and the lightwell repairs that I spent a truckload of money on this year.  And then in examining the leaks, I am finding some substance in my garage that makes me think maybe I have termites.  So needless to say, I feel as if I am being punched in the stomach repeatedly.  Can't a boy catch a break?

Then I went to bed all mopey and overwhelmed, got on my iPad, and lo and behold, Madonna surprise release of Rebel Heart!!!

Apparently last week 13 of her demos were leaked, and she is forced to officially release six tracks to pre-empt the leaks.  I didn't listen to any of the demos, trying to hold out so to not ruin a new Madonna album experience. 

So yesterday night I preordered the official release and listened to the six pre-released tracks, including the lead single Living For Love.

My favorite of the bunch is Devil Pray, and it turns out to be a collaboration with Ryan Tedder!!!  I love Ryan Tedder.  I wish there is more than this one song with him.  He really is a craftsman.

I think Living For Love is a good single.  It has nice momentum and spirit.  I like the two Bitch songs - Unapologetic Bitch and Bitch I'm Madonna.  The chorus to UB is catchy as hell ("It might sound like I am an unapologetic bitch but sometimes you got to call it like it is..."), and Bitch I'm Madonna is just wackiness.  Ghosttown is pretty good (and apparently written by Madonna on her own?), and Illuminati is my least favorite.

I cannot wait for the rest of the tracks.  Oh, the album cover is killer!!!

Thank you, Madonna, for the distraction and lifting my spirit.  I am going to start this new year with you on repeat and with a renewed spirit.  I am going to tackle crap head on.  Go hard, or go home, right?