it's already may

Still sick. Still wondering how it's already May. Another half of a year gone without much to show for. Life really is like sand slipping thru your fingers. Mandarin class is almost over. Still have not mastered the z words. I still can't keep promises to myself, or to open myself to others. Still aches from October 2006, a dark, dark month in my life. Still remember the good times and still feel betrayed. People are so disappointing, especially when you have expectations. How can you not have expectations, when you become tight with someone? I intend to fulfill my end of the bargain, so why can't others? That scar is not going to heal anytime soon. My faith, what little that I had of it, is now depleted. Expectation is just another form, a more pedestrian form, of hope. Hope is the basis for progress. And progress can never be bad, right? I suppose that's where failures come in, because progress does not come without risk of failures. You hope, you expect, you get disappointed, and life goes on, and on. And that way, another five months are spent in another year. You spend four days sick, you spend a week in a bad mood, you spend two hours watching a crappy dvd, and soon, it's already May. It's already half way done. You look for your pills for temporary relief. Less pain, less noise, less feeling. Just let it wash over you like electromagnetic waves. You become the prism. All the darkness refracted into splintered, broken dreams. You trace your fingers along the dreams, and you find that there is no end point. They just fade away into oblivion. Light and darkness and dreams have no beginning and no end and no borders. They just appear and disappear without announcement, without definition. Sometimes like time, sometimes like people. I am still sick and I think the drugs are not working. I can still feel the cut from October 2006. But what do you do? You do like you always do, get up and go to work and act like a robot and pretend you've got something worth living for and worth waiting for. You practice hope and expectations. Until the next disappointment. Gosh darn it, what a roundabout way of exclaiming, it's already May.