abracadabra

Heard from someone I knew many years ago. Not a close friend by any means. An acquaintance. But a nice acquaintance. She tells me that she is getting married to the father of her two kids. She has opened her own daycare center and says she can truly say she loves what she does.

Wow. I am genuinely happy for her. But...

And there is always a But with me. I cannot just be genuinely happy for someone else. I always then go on and start feeling sorry for myself and wondering, "What the hell are you doing with your life?" So stagnant. No forward movement. Same job. Same address. Same twisty, immature, neurotic inside. No wiser for the years. No dreams fulfilled. Just dreams abandoned or forgotten. Like how you see those chicken delivery trucks on the highway, and feathers fly off as they swoosh by. Well, those are my dreams; little by little I lose them on my travel. It's not like I can contain them. I just hope when all is said and done, I still got enough on me to look somewhat dignified.

I wish I weren't like this. That I am less self-centered. That when I hear good news, I can just celebrate the good news and leave it at that, and not reflect it onto myself. I always say you cannot compare to other people. Well, actually everyone says that. But I tell myself that all the time. But of course, when you are deep down an unhappy person, you can't help it. Everything, especially everything good that happens to other people, makes you feel like a loser even more. You don't want to drag other people down with you, but you just don't want to be reminded of your inadequacies. How come so many people out there can make it work, find someone to love, raise a family, wake up and make a go at another day, figure out how to sprightly put one foot in front of another, go out and participate in society? Like, if you go to the park during the weekend, you cannot imagine how many people are out there playing volleyball, or lounging around in the sun, or biking. And they do this every weekend??? It's like they drank some magic potion or something.

Again, I don't mean to take anything away from my old acquaintance. It really is great. I wish her all the best and my warmest congratulations on the wedding.

I just want some of that magic potion for myself.