Yes, it has occurred to me that I have not posted anything in more than a week. It's not for lack of trying, but nothing is coming out very inspired. Yup, while you may not know it, there is quality control on this blog. What you see is already the filtered stuff, that's passed muster with me. Who knew, right? And what exactly is a muster anyways?
So I've been feeling rather apathetic and helpless lately. Not really wanting to engage in people, except for a few Twits here and there with a random thought thrown out there into cyberspace. But those don't count. Especially since I don't really have any real followers except for a couple of very special folks (you know who you are - bless you!!!). Well, my Twits are like the equivalence of trees falling in a forest when nobody's around - they don't count for nothing.
I guess my mood is partially born of my growing disdain for my present job. I switched positions a few years back, and I've been fairly complaint-free. Don't get me wrong - I haven't been jumping out of bed every morning and humming a tune on my way to work, but once I get there, I've been doing okay. Taking care of business and just carrying on. Until recently, that is. Lately work has really been defeating me. I don't like a lot of what's going on behind closed doors with our management. I also don't like the avalanche of work that has swallowed up any breathing room I have. It's really taken a toll on me. I haven't slept well and have this persistent queasy feeling in my stomach, so it really is time to seriously buckle down and look for something new. I don't know how realistic I am being. I don't know what is out there right now that would make sense for me to jump ship.
And then there is my personal life. I've been having a few health issues. My knees have been really bothering me lately. I don't know why they are acting up more so than usual. And then my dentist just told me I have some bite issue and I might need jaw surgery, to which I said, "No way, Jose." I didn't really say Jose per se since that's not his name. And even if it were, I would have said Dr. Jose, cuz I am polite like that. And then aside from the physical mess that I am in, I am also emotionally kinda vulnerable. Yeah, every once in a while, I look around and assess what have I done with my few decades on earth. And whenever I do this, it is inevitable I come to the conclusion I haven't done much. My accomplishments amount to no more than a massive music collection and the ability to pay my many monthly bills without relying on either the government or my mother. I know, those are no small feats to many people. But I kinda want something I am more proud of. Like how white people are proud of their adopted Asian babies, something like that. But I don't know how to get that, since I am not about to go to China and buy a baby and raise her to become a Harvard-educated doctor. I mean, that would just be way too much trouble. I am the kind of person who doesn't eat crab because the shell is just too much work. So how does a person like me accomplish anything grand that I can be proud of when I am lying in my death bed? Beats me. I welcome suggestions. I am even willing to change, but again, how do you convince the me who doesn't eat any fruits that require peeling to change into a motivated, compassionate human being? It's a conundrum alright.
Anyways, all of that is to explain why I haven't posted anything in over a week. But it hasn't been all joyless lately. As I write this, I am listening to a preview of Sufjan Stevens' Age Of Adz, his electronic opus. I ate a falafel sandwich for lunch from Sunrise Deli on Irving Street. I am still chuckling (and cringing) at the season premiere of Amazing Race, in which one of the female contestant, in trying to sling a watermelon to knock down a knight's armor (yup...), had said watermelon ricochet back at her and smack her right in the face. (The fact that nothing but the watermelon was broken and that she got back up and continued the challenge is...amazing.) Yeah, pep talk to myself always involves me telling myself that life is about little pleasures, of which I have plenty, not about grand gestures. So just stand up straight - it's a long ride. It's not so impossible.
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