if I were

If I were in NYC, I would be catching Marisa Tomei in the off-Broadway production of Marie and Bruce.

If I were voting for American Idol, I would vote for James Durbin.

If I were attending William & Kate's royal wedding, I would buy them an egg waffle maker from William-Sonoma.

If I were to watch a movie in the theatre this week, I would watch Scream 4.

If I were Obama, I would send my Muslim brothers to shove a copy of my birth certificate up Donald Trump's ass.

If I were a cowboy on The Amazing Race, I would get on the same flight as everyone else from this point forth.

If I were a blazer, I would be a Warbler blazer.

If I were a chocolate, I would be a Dolfin Earl Grey dark chocolate.

If I were a landscaper, I would be able to figure out what to do with those sorry boxwood shrubs along my driveway.

If I were a cherry blossom tree, I would bloom more than just a few weeks a year.

If I were a tornado, I would not pick on poor people in trailer parks.

If I were a calendar, it would be the year 1986 right now.

If I were in love, I would buy my girlfriend an iPad 2 so we would match.

If I were my boss, I would take all my work from me and let me take it easy for the next couple of decades.