it's gonna be fine

This year so far has been sort of a bust. But then again when was the last time I had a year that wasn't (I wanna say 2006?).  I always vow to change things and then I never do.  And then it gets harder and harder as every year goes by.  It's like you are constantly fighting the roots that are growing deeper and deeper and taking a stronger hold every day you don't do something about it.  I am however a firm believer that you always have a fighting chance.  And that leaves me a glimmer of hope.  It's a fading glimmer but a glimmer nonetheless.  Besides, who doesn't love an underdog?  I am an underdog for sure.

I have a medical thingy this coming Monday.  I hope it turns out to be nothing.  They need to do surgery to figure out what the heck it is that is on that CT scan they see.  If it turns out to be something, I am just going to deal with it matter of factly.  Not gonna go all melodramatic about it.  I have a feeling though it's going to be nothing.  Yup, that's the optimist in me talking.  I think I will be fine and I will just go about my merry way (my sort of merry - it's all relative).  If I do get to go about my merry way, there are a few things I need to do before the rest of 2012 passes me by.  I am so sick of not doing things.

- MDNA concert in Oct.  I have so far refused to watch any of the tour videos, so I actually don't know how the numbers sound like or look like (other than in still photos).  All I know is she doesn't like Nazis and Russian fascists and support the Pussy Riot.  
- The Hobbit in Dec.  Life of Pi, Anna Karenina, On The Road, Django Unchained coming soon too.  Great Gatzy should have been on list but has been pushed back as a summer 2013 release - damn studios and their jockeying.
- Finish reading 1Q84.  I don't know why - but I am just having a really hard time reading these days.  I think I have ADD or something.  Like I could barely stay focused enough to finish this post.
- Write, write, write.  I actually did restart my novel, tentatively titled The Urge For Going (yes, after the Joni Mitchell song), a few weeks back.  It was a couple of inspired days, but quickly followed by the typical plague of laziness.
- Exercise and eat more vegetables and fruits.  I actually haven't been doing too badly there.  I cut my cholesterol down by 20 points and lost four pounds.  The four pounds lost though might be due to worrying about my health problem.  The yoga dvd has been getting more play lately too.
- Get more stuff done at work.  I have so much backlog it's not even funny.  Makes my stomach all queasy just thinking about work.
- More illustration.  I loved doing these and should do more.
- Build my LOTR Lego sets.  It's stupid to leave them in unopened boxes.  You should never collect things you cannot enjoy.
- Write people back more often.  I have been rather sheltered lately.  I don't tend to return phone calls or emails for days or weeks.  It's like I don't want to be bothered (and I don't want to bother other people).  But you really do want to be bothered in life.  Life is people bothering each other.  That's a good thing.
- Purge.  My room is a freaking mess right about now.  Clutter makes life feel messy and chaotic.  I buy too much and am unlikely to be able to cut back, so at the very least, my output should exceed my input. That's a good rule to go by for everything - put out more than you take in!
- Buy extended maintenance plan for BMW.
- New iPhone in September, baby!
- New seasons of Amazing Race, Revenge, Happy Ending, Modern Family, Hart Of Dixie, etc.  Yes!  Except for Cat Deeley and SYTYCD, I hate summer tv.
- Football!  Let's try this one more time.  Go Pats!
- Get meself a fit bird (that's British for hot girl) by me side.  Yeah right...

I know that this is essentially the same list going for many a year.  See, that's the point - never give up hope that you can climb those mountains, or molehills.   

I actually do have some other life goals, like finding something where I can help people.  But honestly, I don't know how to go about that.  I don't know what skills I have that are useful to other people.  I would love to be a Big Brother to some kid, but geez I think the kid would find me kinda boring.  No ball games, bad at tutoring (I did well enough in school but was hardly a learner, and I have no technique - I just went about it without much discipline or method), no game with girls, empty of real spirituality or philosophical wisdom.  I mean, all I would ever do is take the kid to LOTR movies and eat all over the city (hmm - that actually doesn't sound that bad...).

I also want to pay off my mortgage very soon and be debt-free until I buy the next house.  I think this one is realistic.  I am only a few years away from doing this, and as long as I keep my job, I should be able to buy a small second property.  It's not so much an investment thing for me - it's like I just want a backup house.  Just like I tend to buy two of the same shirt if I like the shirt.  I have backup shirts, so why not a backup house?

Anyways, that's what's going through my head this Saturday morning.  It's all going to be fine.