Three days later. I guess for once I let myself believe that there is a master plan, but Fate turned out to be a no-show. I am not surprised but still cannot help but be disappointed. I am not sure why the cruel joke on me. Why after all these years open up old wounds? Doesn't Fate know she is dealing with a sensitive soul and a fragile heart? Any further toying and poking might have irreversible consequence. What a bitch she is. She is now just preying on the weak.
The past three days have been really hard. Not only am I once again remembering those years, but that phone call also got me thinking about my future. I think about how GY's life and my life have diverged. He went on and got married to a seemingly smart, successful woman and had two kids. I went on to do nothing but collect more action figures and blu rays. I am past that age where you can be youthfully optimistic about what's to come when you grow up, where the forks of life are still ahead of you. I am afraid that I've already walked down that tine that leads to a dead end with no room to turn around. I've squandered time and opportunities. I spent so much time holed up with my neuroses that I actually ended up feeding them into powerful, hungry, and merciless monsters. I desperately want to make things right, build myself a life worth living. But in all honesty, I haven't a clue how. Sometimes I try to convince myself there is a Hail Mary somewhere. I live too moral of a life and I care too much to be one of those lost souls that the good life forgot. Like in those games, I don't want to be one of those dots that fall down the screen into oblivion, one of those dots nobody bother to catch.
Maybe there still is a master plan but it is slow in revealing itself. Maybe I need to be more patient and let the magic of the universe work itself out. I grow up in a generation craving instant gratification, but you know what they say about a watched pot never boiling. I've been intently staring at that pot for the last two days. Heck, I've been staring at that pot for decades now. Screw you, pot. Screw you, Fate.
Oh by the way - Go Pats!!!
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
fate
The weirdest thing occurred to me today. I typically don't have stories to tell, but today I've got one.
Back in the mid-2000's, I had a close friend named GY. I thought of him like a brother. I supported him in any way I could. I can for certain say I was the best friend I could be. I listened to his constant girlfriend problems. I encouraged him when he was trying to find a job after getting his MBA. We talked on the phone all the time, went out to dinner and lunch and movies and even on a memorable month-long trip. He was a pretty important person to me back in the day. But then we fell out. I have no idea how or why. All I know is that the last couple of times we talked, he was behaving very differently. And then there was nothing. This was about seven years ago. I still think of him and our friendship often. There was no real closure. I was always left wondering what the hell happened, what did I do. Being who I am, I always think I did something, so for the past seven years, I still beat myself up. For what specifically? I don't know. When I say that life happens in small moments, I mean it. In fact, in this case, life happened in a moment so small that I didn't even realize it, and I lost a friend, a friend that I held in the highest esteem, in the process.
Flash forward to today. I was sitting in the office this afternoon. My office phone rang. As usual, I looked at the caller ID before I picked up the phone. The number I didn't recognize, but the name that flashed across was that name - GY. I froze. I was so shocked that I didn't pick up the phone. The call went to voicemail. I then went to retrieve the message, and it was a message left by an attorney who needed to talk to me about a work issue. The number she left me was a different number from the caller ID number. I returned her call, and took care of the work issue. Then before we hung up, I asked her about the caller ID name. She said that her kid was sick, so she was working from home and calling from her land line. The name was her husband's name. I told her that's funny because I used to know someone by that name but I haven't talked to this person in a long time. Then we started comparing notes. Yup he went to UC Irvine. Yup his brother has an unusual name. Yup he likes rock climbing and worked at REI at one point. Yup her husband is in fact this person I used to know. My mind was just blown.
I mean, I am not sure I have had many instances in my life that I can attribute to fate and divine intervention. But I have to admit - this was rather freaky. If the attorney's kid did not get sick, and she did not choose to call me from her land line today, this call would have just been a typical work call. Another ten minutes in my stressful day. But something happened that led her to call me with that phone with that particular caller ID.
So, in the seven years, he met this girl, got married, had two kids (boy and girl). They live just across the park from me, like less than ten minutes away. His mother is fine (she had cancer before).
I told her to tell him hello for me.
Now I spent the rest of the day wondering whether he would take this as a sign that he owes me an explanation. I hope that he would call and I finally can understand what happened. But I highly doubt it, knowing the type of person he is and the way things ended. I think people like him don't really know how much they can hurt other people by their actions. They just go around life more focused on themselves. That didn't make me think less of him when we were friends, but now I need to understand I shouldn't have any expectation that the end of the friendship meant nearly as much to him as it did to me. Likely to him, I was just another dude he once knew, some guy he hung out with for a few years.
But if that was it, then what was the point of this fateful turn of event? I don't know. Life is a mystery indeed.
Back in the mid-2000's, I had a close friend named GY. I thought of him like a brother. I supported him in any way I could. I can for certain say I was the best friend I could be. I listened to his constant girlfriend problems. I encouraged him when he was trying to find a job after getting his MBA. We talked on the phone all the time, went out to dinner and lunch and movies and even on a memorable month-long trip. He was a pretty important person to me back in the day. But then we fell out. I have no idea how or why. All I know is that the last couple of times we talked, he was behaving very differently. And then there was nothing. This was about seven years ago. I still think of him and our friendship often. There was no real closure. I was always left wondering what the hell happened, what did I do. Being who I am, I always think I did something, so for the past seven years, I still beat myself up. For what specifically? I don't know. When I say that life happens in small moments, I mean it. In fact, in this case, life happened in a moment so small that I didn't even realize it, and I lost a friend, a friend that I held in the highest esteem, in the process.
Flash forward to today. I was sitting in the office this afternoon. My office phone rang. As usual, I looked at the caller ID before I picked up the phone. The number I didn't recognize, but the name that flashed across was that name - GY. I froze. I was so shocked that I didn't pick up the phone. The call went to voicemail. I then went to retrieve the message, and it was a message left by an attorney who needed to talk to me about a work issue. The number she left me was a different number from the caller ID number. I returned her call, and took care of the work issue. Then before we hung up, I asked her about the caller ID name. She said that her kid was sick, so she was working from home and calling from her land line. The name was her husband's name. I told her that's funny because I used to know someone by that name but I haven't talked to this person in a long time. Then we started comparing notes. Yup he went to UC Irvine. Yup his brother has an unusual name. Yup he likes rock climbing and worked at REI at one point. Yup her husband is in fact this person I used to know. My mind was just blown.
I mean, I am not sure I have had many instances in my life that I can attribute to fate and divine intervention. But I have to admit - this was rather freaky. If the attorney's kid did not get sick, and she did not choose to call me from her land line today, this call would have just been a typical work call. Another ten minutes in my stressful day. But something happened that led her to call me with that phone with that particular caller ID.
So, in the seven years, he met this girl, got married, had two kids (boy and girl). They live just across the park from me, like less than ten minutes away. His mother is fine (she had cancer before).
I told her to tell him hello for me.
Now I spent the rest of the day wondering whether he would take this as a sign that he owes me an explanation. I hope that he would call and I finally can understand what happened. But I highly doubt it, knowing the type of person he is and the way things ended. I think people like him don't really know how much they can hurt other people by their actions. They just go around life more focused on themselves. That didn't make me think less of him when we were friends, but now I need to understand I shouldn't have any expectation that the end of the friendship meant nearly as much to him as it did to me. Likely to him, I was just another dude he once knew, some guy he hung out with for a few years.
But if that was it, then what was the point of this fateful turn of event? I don't know. Life is a mystery indeed.
Monday, January 19, 2015
je suis
I am:
- Fed up: What's with all the people behaving badly? I got yelled at twice in the last three weeks on Noriega Street over car situation. One was when I sat in a parked car and some guy was waiting for me to leave, and when I didn't, he came up and pounded on my window and started cussing at me. Apparently he said my tail lights were on, when I didn't think they were. Another was today when this truck did a U to double park and was trying to back up. I at around the same time pulled up to pick up my mother from the front of a restaurant. Apparently I got in his way and he got out of his truck to scream at me. So I was supposed to know how far he was going to back up??? I mean, neither of these instances were my fault, but even if it were, why do people feel the need to act so fucking rude? I mean, if a car you thought was leaving a space wasn't, just go find another damn space. That happens to me all the time. If you need to wait twenty seconds for an elderly person to get into a car before you can back up, just wait. Is that such a big fucking deal?
- Ecstatic: The Pats are going back to the Super Bowl. It's gonna be Tom Brady's 6th time. This time he has Gronk and Julian Edelman and a pretty solid defense.
- Nervous: But the Pats are playing against the Seahawks, who are pretty formidable.
- Annoyed: By the Pats haters. Now there's some random accusation about the Pats deflating the footballs before yesterday's game. Whatevs.
- More annoyed: By Madonna haters. Her new song Living For Love is her best in ages, but I don't think it's gonna get much traction on the radio because people are ageist. They wouldn't think it's cool to like a pop song by a 56-year-old woman. And yes, every article about Madonna cites her age. Why???
- Hopeful: That Boyhood will win Best Picture and Best Director at the Oscars this year. For me, it's not only because Boyhood on its own is a great movie, but I also think it makes up for the lack of Oscar love that the Before Sunrise series got. Richard Linklater deserves all the accolades. But then I am keeping my optimism in check because there is a late surge for Selma and American Sniper - two more "important" films. I am really not a fan of "important" films.
- Impatient: Come on, painter guy and door guy. I need y'all to come back and get things corrected already. It's mid-January for Christ's sake.
- Disappointed: I waited 15 years for the chance to retake my terrible driver's license photo. Well the new one is downright horrific. Those DMV photographers can join painters and contractors on my list of "people who suck at their jobs and/or take no pride in their workmanship." I mean, I am not asking for Justin Bieber Calvin Klein ad photoshopping, but come on!
- Charlie: Actually I am not. Those people fight the good fight for their art. I would be too scared. If you threaten my life for a cartoon I am drawing, I can pretty much tell you I would stop drawing that cartoon. I am being honest. I am not that brave. I supposed that there are some things even I would sacrifice my life for, but surely my "art" is not one of those things. So good for Charlie Hebdo and all the people who aren't afraid to stand up for things they believe in. We need those people in this world to make up for people like me, ordinary folks with ordinary cojones.
- Fed up: What's with all the people behaving badly? I got yelled at twice in the last three weeks on Noriega Street over car situation. One was when I sat in a parked car and some guy was waiting for me to leave, and when I didn't, he came up and pounded on my window and started cussing at me. Apparently he said my tail lights were on, when I didn't think they were. Another was today when this truck did a U to double park and was trying to back up. I at around the same time pulled up to pick up my mother from the front of a restaurant. Apparently I got in his way and he got out of his truck to scream at me. So I was supposed to know how far he was going to back up??? I mean, neither of these instances were my fault, but even if it were, why do people feel the need to act so fucking rude? I mean, if a car you thought was leaving a space wasn't, just go find another damn space. That happens to me all the time. If you need to wait twenty seconds for an elderly person to get into a car before you can back up, just wait. Is that such a big fucking deal?
- Ecstatic: The Pats are going back to the Super Bowl. It's gonna be Tom Brady's 6th time. This time he has Gronk and Julian Edelman and a pretty solid defense.
- Nervous: But the Pats are playing against the Seahawks, who are pretty formidable.
- Annoyed: By the Pats haters. Now there's some random accusation about the Pats deflating the footballs before yesterday's game. Whatevs.
- More annoyed: By Madonna haters. Her new song Living For Love is her best in ages, but I don't think it's gonna get much traction on the radio because people are ageist. They wouldn't think it's cool to like a pop song by a 56-year-old woman. And yes, every article about Madonna cites her age. Why???
- Hopeful: That Boyhood will win Best Picture and Best Director at the Oscars this year. For me, it's not only because Boyhood on its own is a great movie, but I also think it makes up for the lack of Oscar love that the Before Sunrise series got. Richard Linklater deserves all the accolades. But then I am keeping my optimism in check because there is a late surge for Selma and American Sniper - two more "important" films. I am really not a fan of "important" films.
- Impatient: Come on, painter guy and door guy. I need y'all to come back and get things corrected already. It's mid-January for Christ's sake.
- Disappointed: I waited 15 years for the chance to retake my terrible driver's license photo. Well the new one is downright horrific. Those DMV photographers can join painters and contractors on my list of "people who suck at their jobs and/or take no pride in their workmanship." I mean, I am not asking for Justin Bieber Calvin Klein ad photoshopping, but come on!
- Charlie: Actually I am not. Those people fight the good fight for their art. I would be too scared. If you threaten my life for a cartoon I am drawing, I can pretty much tell you I would stop drawing that cartoon. I am being honest. I am not that brave. I supposed that there are some things even I would sacrifice my life for, but surely my "art" is not one of those things. So good for Charlie Hebdo and all the people who aren't afraid to stand up for things they believe in. We need those people in this world to make up for people like me, ordinary folks with ordinary cojones.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
imdb roundup
Let's check in, via IMDB, on what some of my favorite actors are up to:
Marisa Tomei - she has two small films coming out this month - Loitering With Intent and Spare Parts. There is a Judd Apatow movie coming soon called Trainwreck. And then another small film in preproduction called Lemonade. None of these I am too excited about, but then again, she's good in everything. I am still waiting for some type of release for that rom-com she has with Hugh Grant called The Rewrite - no idea when that one is getting a US release, although reviews overseas have not been great.
Michelle Pfeiffer - nada since The Family. Michelle!!! Come on, aren't the kids all grown by now? You need to get your butt out there and show them who's boss, cuz we know you are!
Naomi Watts - This girl is busy. She's got a part in those Divergent sequels and movies costarring with (ugh) Matthew McConaughey (Sea of Trees directed by Gus Van Sant) and (meh) Jake Gyllenhaal (Demolition). And there are a whole bunch of upcoming stuff too. Unfortunately I am not falling over my chair over any of these projects.
Keanu Reeves - The most awesome and mysterious guy in Hollywood has a few meh projects (a movie with Mira Sorvino and an Eli Roth thriller called Knock Knock), but what's kinda exciting/curious is the tv miniseries Rain in which he plays assassin John Rain, a character from a series of espionage novels. I am not familiar with those books or the character (not a fan of that type of fiction) but I would love to see Keanu on my tv.
Emma Watson - Hermione has two thriller movies in the work - Regression in which she plays daughter to Ethan Hawke who may or may not have committed a crime (yeah that's a lame ass description but it's directed by the guy who made The Others so it's got potential) and Colonia in which she has to infiltrate an infamous Chilean cult in order to find her abducted boyfriend (it's based on a true story).
Julie Delpy - Celine wrote and directed something called Lolo - I am not idea what it's about. And then there is some movie she's about to do called Wiener-Dog, which is described as "several stories featuring people who find their life inspired or changed by one particular dachshund, who seems to be spreading comfort and joy." Okaaay...
Keira Knightley - She's preggers so the only thing she has in the can is Everest, in which she has supposedly a very small role opposite Jake Gyllenhaal. I hope she's an actual climber and not just a wife or girlfriend. Anyways, cannot wait til she starts working again after the baby. I want another Joe Wright collab!!! (Atonement and Pride and Prejudice are two of my favorite films ever!)
Garrett Hedlund -He's gonna be Captain Hook in Pan next, directed by Joe Wright. Supposedly this Hook is a swashbuckling good guy like Indiana Jones. Works for me. And then there might be a sequel to Tron, which I am ambivalent about.
Leonardo DiCaprio - The Revenant with Tom Hardy directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (21 Grams, Birdman, Amorres Perros). "The frontiersman, Hugh Glass, who in the 1820s set out on a path of vengeance against those who left him for dead after a bear mauling." Sounds awesome to me!
Marisa Tomei - she has two small films coming out this month - Loitering With Intent and Spare Parts. There is a Judd Apatow movie coming soon called Trainwreck. And then another small film in preproduction called Lemonade. None of these I am too excited about, but then again, she's good in everything. I am still waiting for some type of release for that rom-com she has with Hugh Grant called The Rewrite - no idea when that one is getting a US release, although reviews overseas have not been great.
Michelle Pfeiffer - nada since The Family. Michelle!!! Come on, aren't the kids all grown by now? You need to get your butt out there and show them who's boss, cuz we know you are!
Naomi Watts - This girl is busy. She's got a part in those Divergent sequels and movies costarring with (ugh) Matthew McConaughey (Sea of Trees directed by Gus Van Sant) and (meh) Jake Gyllenhaal (Demolition). And there are a whole bunch of upcoming stuff too. Unfortunately I am not falling over my chair over any of these projects.
Keanu Reeves - The most awesome and mysterious guy in Hollywood has a few meh projects (a movie with Mira Sorvino and an Eli Roth thriller called Knock Knock), but what's kinda exciting/curious is the tv miniseries Rain in which he plays assassin John Rain, a character from a series of espionage novels. I am not familiar with those books or the character (not a fan of that type of fiction) but I would love to see Keanu on my tv.
Emma Watson - Hermione has two thriller movies in the work - Regression in which she plays daughter to Ethan Hawke who may or may not have committed a crime (yeah that's a lame ass description but it's directed by the guy who made The Others so it's got potential) and Colonia in which she has to infiltrate an infamous Chilean cult in order to find her abducted boyfriend (it's based on a true story).
Julie Delpy - Celine wrote and directed something called Lolo - I am not idea what it's about. And then there is some movie she's about to do called Wiener-Dog, which is described as "several stories featuring people who find their life inspired or changed by one particular dachshund, who seems to be spreading comfort and joy." Okaaay...
Keira Knightley - She's preggers so the only thing she has in the can is Everest, in which she has supposedly a very small role opposite Jake Gyllenhaal. I hope she's an actual climber and not just a wife or girlfriend. Anyways, cannot wait til she starts working again after the baby. I want another Joe Wright collab!!! (Atonement and Pride and Prejudice are two of my favorite films ever!)
Garrett Hedlund -He's gonna be Captain Hook in Pan next, directed by Joe Wright. Supposedly this Hook is a swashbuckling good guy like Indiana Jones. Works for me. And then there might be a sequel to Tron, which I am ambivalent about.
Leonardo DiCaprio - The Revenant with Tom Hardy directed by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (21 Grams, Birdman, Amorres Perros). "The frontiersman, Hugh Glass, who in the 1820s set out on a path of vengeance against those who left him for dead after a bear mauling." Sounds awesome to me!
Saturday, January 10, 2015
colorless 2014 and the year of untimely deaths
Favorite movie: Boyhood; runner up Guardians Of The Galaxy
Favorite actor: Chris Pratt in Guardians Of The Galaxy
Favorite scene from a movie: Quicksilver "Time in a Bottle" sequence in X-Men Days Of Future Past
Favorite actress: Keira Knightley in Begin Again
Favorite band: OneRepublic
Favorite male singer: Hozier
Favorite female singer: Madonna
Biggest mystery: The disappearance of Malaysian Air Flight MH370
Biggest villain: ISIS; Boko Haram
Smallest villain: Kim Jong Un
Favorite tv show that is not Amazing Race: Orphan Black
Favorite new show: Jane The Virgin
Favorite new show that is no longer: Selfie starring John Cho and Karen Gillam
Liking these a little less in 2014 than I did in 2013: Sherlock, Doctor Who, the Apple brand
Most welcomed return: Veronica Mars
Biggest worries: 1. Chi Young possibly moving away; 2. house leaks; 3. back pain
Favorite song: Take Me To Church; runner up I Lived
Most overrated celebrity: Beyonce
Most annoying celebrity: Kimye
Most annoying trend: Butts; selfies
A trend that at least did some good: ALS ice bucket challenges
Disease of the year: Ebola
People's cause of the year: Ferguson, Missouri protests; Hong Kong Umbrella Revolution
Favorite book: Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki
Public transportation tragedy: Capsizing of South Korean ferry Sewol; downing of MH17 in East Ukraine
Least favorite activity: Attending 3 funerals in 2014; working with contractors for house repairs
In memoriam: Joan Rivers
12 years a boy
I finally saw Boyhood on blu ray yesterday night. It has all the classic Richard Linklater touches. I really like how he is able to capture the passage of time, just as he did with the Before movies. The way our lives unfold, the way we pass our days, the things that we do, the conversations we engage in - everything is mundane and meaningless at first and yet wondrous and consequential. All the moments that string together to become our lives give our lives their narrative and their form and shape. We are defined by those moments over the continuum of time. We ARE those snapshots.
Boyhood is my favorite movie of 2014. A
Friday, January 2, 2015
the new year
Weather: Clear and chilly
Mood: Worried
Music: My 2014 top 100 playlist
Last Movie: The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies (B)
Reading: Does the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly count as reading?
Last Pleasure: Seafood Laksa with Teh Tarik milk tea at Kopi Cafe in Milpitas
Last Worry: It's neck-and-neck race between my house and my back as to which bothers me more
Last accomplishment: Year end shredding
Looking Forward To: New season of Downton Abbey
Not Really Looking Forward To: More expenses for the house
Gas Price: $3.219/gallon premium
Clothes: Old Navy's blue fleece sweatshirt, fleece sweatpants
Today's Headline: Some AirAsia Victims Found Belted In Seats
Last Website Visited: Yelp
Last Meal: Chinese tamale
Last Purchase: Textbooks for Chi Young
Item On My Wishlist: Interview magazine with Madonna on cover, 12/2014 issue - cannot find it at local stores
Latest Evidence It's A Beautiful World: "The Last Goodbye" song from The Hobbit Battle of Five Armies closing credit, sung by Billy Boyd. It's a beautiful song to send off the series.
Mood: Worried
Music: My 2014 top 100 playlist
Last Movie: The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies (B)
Reading: Does the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly count as reading?
Last Pleasure: Seafood Laksa with Teh Tarik milk tea at Kopi Cafe in Milpitas
Last Worry: It's neck-and-neck race between my house and my back as to which bothers me more
Last accomplishment: Year end shredding
Looking Forward To: New season of Downton Abbey
Not Really Looking Forward To: More expenses for the house
Gas Price: $3.219/gallon premium
Clothes: Old Navy's blue fleece sweatshirt, fleece sweatpants
Today's Headline: Some AirAsia Victims Found Belted In Seats
Last Website Visited: Yelp
Last Meal: Chinese tamale
Last Purchase: Textbooks for Chi Young
Item On My Wishlist: Interview magazine with Madonna on cover, 12/2014 issue - cannot find it at local stores
Latest Evidence It's A Beautiful World: "The Last Goodbye" song from The Hobbit Battle of Five Armies closing credit, sung by Billy Boyd. It's a beautiful song to send off the series.
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