Dear Miley:
This is my open letter to you, to implore you to use your twerking powers to get me back to work. I am so tired of eating instant ramen for lunch for fear of not knowing how long this will last. I haven't bought anything online this whole week. I even began cleaning my house as a means of distraction. Yesterday, I steamed mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors. I then watched youtube videos of old school hip hop like Doug E. Fresh and the whole Roxanne's war thingy. Man, that's good stuff. I think I actually like The Real Roxanne the best. I wish it were the 80's now - it's been a while since I heard a good "Yo mama's so fat" joke. After I was done reliving my old beatboxing days, I re-arranged my thimble collection - from chronological to country of origin. Yeah, I was driving myself batty, especially when I couldn't remember whether this one thimble came from Denmark or Finland - those Scandinavian countries always trip me up. Yesterday night though I did break down and went out to dinner at Armadillo Willy's and spent $20. I had baby back ribs with chipotle BBQ sauce, corn salad, and cornbread muffin with cinnamon butter, but every bite came with overwhelming guilt. I should have spread out that meal, into three. What if my money doesn't last me? What if I have to pawn my thimbles? I dunno - it was just maddening. It's not all bad news though. Yesterday just like an angel sent from heaven, Amazon Local sent me a promotional postcard with a $10 off discount code. I can use this to buy a local restaurant coupon. For example, I can buy a $12 coupon to redeem for $25 worth of food at La Salsa, so my outlay will only be $2. Yeah, Amazon is so amazing that it knows these are times of need for me. Thank you Amazon. You are a good friend. Thank you for the support and understanding. When times get better, I will go back to my regular shopping habits and be a good friend back again.
Anyways, getting back to topic: please, Miley, use your twerking powers for good and not evil (like making fun of poor crazy Aunt Sinead and her mental illness - she means well; she's just like one of those crazy aunts at Thanksgiving table who keeps rambling on after everyone has stopped listening). Nobody understands the power of twerking and riding naked on a wrecking ball more than you (though I hope you did disinfect that ball first - you never know where construction machinery has been). I mean, you did mastermind this whole career move, and now you are the biggest, most talked-about celebrity in the world (aside from that crazy Kiwi - Lorde - whose damn song Royals is cock-blocking you at #1 on the iTunes charts; seriously how the hell do you even pronounce Lorde - is it Lord or Lordy? - and what is up with the buttoned up shirts she wears? - eww). But as your other aunt, Auntie Madonna, says as part of her secretprojectrevolution (yup all one word), art can change the world. You should use your art to make change. You can change the world with your omnipotent twerking and your almighty tongue and your giant masturbating foam finger. Exactly how, I am not so sure. The other night, Auntie Madonna and Anderson Cooper in an interview quoted some dude named James Baldwin saying that "Only the artist can truly see and describe the human condition." It's all a little above my head - I am just a common man. You, on the other hand, ARE an Artist, and a strategist. Whatever you need to do, I believe in you. Aunt Sinead may not understand - she still thinks a shaved head and a soulful four-minute stare into the camera will get you attention. Lady, the 1990's have long gone the way of Beanie Babies. Now you have to do soulful stare sans clothes. Aunt Sinead's got it wrong. It's not about prostitution; it's about baring yourself literally and metaphorically. But you know better, and you can't stop. So show the world - it's your party and you can do what you want. It's your party and you can say what you want.
Take a wrecking ball to this deadlock. My thimble collection begs of you.
By the way, I hope you can see my jinx on Thor's brother is working just fine - Paranoia was dunzo before you can even say "Why is Gary Oldman in this?" Just saying - you might owe me one.
Sincerely,
An instant ramen eater
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