caves of crystals

I found an old journal entry from many a years back. It reads like this:

Spent the night with Kate yesterday. I don't know what it is, but she was somewhat distant. Sometimes I can't figure her out, like she's got all these thoughts that she won't let me into. I don't always feel like that, just sometimes when she's shutting me out. Like yesterday, even when I was lying next to her, she seemed like worlds away. I wish I had a key, a path to that inner world. I would take a flashlight, a hard hat, miles of rope, and lots of granola bars and water and go exploring. I wonder what I would find inside. Would it be beautiful caves of crystals? Or would it be all bats and cockroaches and gross stuff I would regret ever setting my eyes upon? I just wish I knew that it has nothing to do with me, that it's not indication of some kind of breakdown in our relationship. It's hard for me to just sit here worrying. That emptiness in her voice and her eyes just kills me everytime. I mean, even when we kiss, there is something off in the way she kissed back.

Yeah, I know I worry too much. I have that tendency. She is good 90% of the time, so I just need to believe everything is healthy. There is no crack in the mirror. It's just that she makes me happy, even when she makes me sad. I have never been so happy spending time with anyone. I am now so conditioned to have her in my life. Everytime the phone rings, I think it's her, and most of the time, it is her. And every morning when I wake up, she is the first thought in my head, for no particular reason. All the other girls become irrelevant to me. It's so easy to say her name, so natural from my lips. Kate. It's perfect. So when you have so much at stake, you worry about losing it. It's like if you are walking around with a million dollars in your backpack. You begin freaking out. Loving Kate is just like that - even if the million dollars have no intention of leaving you, you worry about it. My insecurity is kicking my ass big time today.

When I was at her place, I also noticed that she switched shampoo. How come she didn't tell me about it? I know it's a little thing, but when you're boyfriend and girlfriend, I think you tend to tell each other about things like that. I mean, when did it actually happen? What was the cause for the move? Is she planning to switch body wash next? I think I would tell her if I switched aftershave. I won't like make it a big announcement or anything, but I would most definitely say something. Knowing those things make you feel special. I think much more so than any deep dark secret. Although if she had any deep dark secret, like if she used to be a boy or something, I would surely like to know too. It wouldn't make me love her less, cuz I saw The Crying Game and I am open-minded about love, but I would like to know. Yes, I would like to know what shampoo she uses and whether she used to be a boy. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Anyways, I am going to try to talk to her today. To just ask her if something was wrong and give her the opportunity to tell me. She won't. She would just say nothing and smile and go about things. In a few days, it would be fine til the next time it happens again. I just hope that emptiness, that ocean, doesn't get more vast over time. One day, it might get so vast that I can't make it across.

You have no idea how infinitely sad it makes me to read this, knowing the outcome. She is so far away now.