better

Third day of January.

I was actually sick in bed all of New Year's Eve Day and New Year's Day.  So much for my plan to roar into the new year with renewed optimism and new hope.  There was very little roaring and just a bit of wanting to vomit (but not quite).  Regardless here I am on day three of the new year, feeling rather good about another chance to start over.  I know the subject is tired, and I have not given you much to believe in.  Me and my resolutions are like ships passing in the night - we just don't stick.  But see, the thing about new beginnings is that you get to swipe the past away.  Your past failures don't count.  Only today and tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that matter.  It's sort of like Catholicism, except without the abuse of altar boys.  So I am ready to throw it down and kick some butt.  Or at least regenerate into someone who doesn't come home everyday from work all tired and beat and just crawl into bed after dinner and fall asleep with the tv and lights on.  I really hate that habit of mine.  To wake up in the middle of the night, with my icky contacts and stale breath, to me is a worse feeling than having to do a walk of shame out of Lindsay Lohan's apartment (but probably not as bad as waking up and realizing you are married to a Kardashian).

So yeah, the first baby step is to not crawl into bed at night unless I've brushed my teeth and taken off my contacts and washed my face and set the tv on sleep mode.

It would also help to not eat after eight pm. I actually just bought a huge bag of chips from Costco yesterday, so this would be a real test.  I can consume probably half of a Costco-sized bag in one sitting if I don't watch myself.  (Of course, this resolution might lead to me simply shifting my acts of gluttony to the Jeopardy and Wheel Of Fortune time slots.)

I am also going to set myself a budget for any non-food, non-household essential purchases.  So purchases for things like electronic gadgets, music, blu rays, toys, clothes, etc. would be limited to $100 a month.  Is that feasible?  I am not sure.  I guess I am going to test it out for January.  For 3 days so far, I've bought a duvet cover set from Amazon for $30 and Before Midnight from iTunes for $10, so I have $60 for the rest of the month.  I was thinking of $50 a month, but that's just crazy talk.

At work I resolve to gossip and complain less, and approach work with a clearer sense of purpose.  I will try not to worry about what's going to happen with everything on my plate and just focus on the tasks at hand.  I fret too much about work and the sense of doom just drains too much of me.  I mean, for Gandalf's sake, it's not as if my job involves stealing a jewel from right under a dragon's nose.  I need to just take a step back and chill.

I will try to be a better housekeeper.  Like more regular cleaning.  I do feel kinda ashamed to invite people over to my place, and it's not because I have Doctor Who action figures on my shelf (heck I am very proud of that).  The source of shame is the dust build-up.  Dusting is just not a thing with me, or has not been.  I don't remember that being in the life lesson book that my mother made me when she sent me off to see the Grandmaster up in the mystic mountains.  But I know it's a thing that people do and expect other people to do, so I guess I will add that to my repertoire.

Speaking of my mother, I promise to be more patient.  I am not a bad son, but I am very impatient.  She is hard of hearing.  She asks me a question, I answer in my normal voice, she cannot hear me, I repeat myself, she still cannot hear me, I end up frustrated and shouting my response, and she accuses me of raising my voice to her and being an ass (well, she doesn't exactly say that, but that's how I end up feeling).  It's a vicious cycle.  She has hearing aids but she doesn't use them.  Getting my mom to use hearing aids is like getting Ellen Degeneres to wear a dress - inconceivable.  So it's up to me to just be more patient and realize time with elderly parents is precious.  And in this whole wide world, nobody has your back more than your parents - nobody!

Hmm, lastly, I guess I should say something about dating and girls.  You know the Spike Jonze movie Her with Joaquin Phoenix falling in love with a computer (voiced by Scarlett Johansson)?  Yup I think that might be my only option now.  Not Siri though - I don't like computers who discriminate against people with accents.  It's not my fault that I am an immigrant who never learned to enunciate properly (ok - maybe it's partially my fault).  If I can find a computer who can overlook my inability to pronounce "tests," I will overlook her inability to escort me to functions as my plus-one.  Man, I've always wanted to have a plus-one!  Nobody ever even thinks I would have a plus-one these days.  One day, I would just like to go, "Boom!  I see your Patricia Heaton and raise you a Sophia Vergara!  In yo' face!"  (I actually am not a fan of Sophia Vergara and have nothing against Patricia Heaton, but I am just illustrating a point.)

Alrighty - that's all I got for 2014.  I swear I am going to get better.